A Short Interview with Myself

A SHORT INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF

Reader:  Your chapbook “Diaspora of Things” stems from the occasion of dismantling your mother’s house.  In the commentary, I read that the speaker moves from inert mute grief and disorientation to a greater understanding of differences and similarities –moving towards a polyphony.  

Author: Excellent reader. I wish I’d said that!  

R: I’m thinking about the word polyphony. You use words that start with “poly” often.  

A My neighbor has a booming voice, and my windows are open.  Her name is Polly. 

R: Right, no A/C.  Polyphony. I keep tripping over my tongue. A rolly poly word.  It seems to move a lot.  

A: That’s its charm!  There is no one way to nail it down.  It’s defined by what it’s not – one thing.  Much or many, from the Greek.   

R: Say it again! First a dog was barking, now someone’s blaring “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.” 

A: What beautiful, understandable nonsense.  Qua language.  So polyvocal. If you clear your ears, you might hear trees talking too.  You know, things talk.  Not just birds at dawn or cooing doves or roving cats. 

R: Hmm. 

A: A web of languages; a talking universe.  Communicating. The highwire act of cicadas.  Burbling fountains.  The wind that thumbs plush grass pale, then back to green.  Things valued for their voices.  Things freed of possession. 

R: What, you hear voices of grass?  I thought that’s what schizophrenics suffered. 

A: Of course I hear voices.  After my mother died, I carried her voice in my head, the running dialog we had, for at least two years.  My brain was a loom strung with diverging lines about how to live.   That aside, poets intuit deep into reality.  We scrape away a lot of cliches to use our common language to speak a deeply webbed truth.  It might sound chaos, but it’s our chaos.  

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Diaspora of Things

My chapbook, “Diaspora of Things,” will be coming out in a few weeks.  It’s been a while since my last brush with the publishing world. Poets warned that I wouldn’t have much control. It would be the equivalent of “making a birth plan” – we know how that works out!

The one thing I would have full control over: self-promotion and marketing.  Ugh.  For someone who entertains highbrow ideas such as “what is the self?” and “does the self even exist?” – that’s a curious mode.  But I went about it in a workaday way, emailing contacts and writing draft after draft about myself and the appeal of my work. Getting a slew of pre-orders and organizing email lists and making graphics with ground zero of experience.  

Oh, little self in a big chair.  One day in this glorious phase of book publishing, the brain got tired, the energy dried up and I got stuck in a weird paralysis about the simplest of announcements.

Child’s play to some, it had to be done, it couldn’t be done.  The swirling began.  Cloudy, impenetrable thoughts hovered for hours (in retrospect, like a poem) before a figure came from the shadows: a younger self.  Of course she would show up!  Self-conscious, defiantly private.  Mortally conflicted about bragging and showing off.  I’d thought the anxieties of that introvert had been talked through ad nauseum.  Placate her and give the girl a lollipop!

But of course, selves don’t disappear, they crouch and get layered and hang behind other selves.  This shouldn’t have been strange to me as “Diaspora of Things” revolves around these very themes. Narratively the book is about the dismantling of a family home and negotiating of relationships, it also understands the self as one of those things which is unfixed, wavering as it undergoes experiences, part of a larger ecosystem of things possessed and dispossessed.  As the speaker assesses, she is re-assessed; as she feels, she is felt.    

Liberations happen; worlds open and flutter and evolve, carrying along their traces.  So the book continues to evolve past its fixed state.  Fresh voices arise.  Oh, and by the way: “Diaspora of Things” will be launched in a few weeks.  Check it out!

Diaspora of Things, Finishing Line Press, https://www.finishinglinepress.com

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Aghast

I’ve been aghast these many months
the months bunch up, 
like a patient upon a table
anesthetized, 
on half-burned grass, 
aghast again, at August’s end

So many months with broken breath, 
now snot rags, ragweed,
wheezing; the peeved grass,
having lost what was naïve
also clotted in a sneeze

but think, the patient, I, anesthetized,
might salvage breath for what’s ahead
the ghast extending out in time 
to breathe, to lay a hand upon a head
to pay respect to a flattened bird
the breath to bike around its head
the rag we hold, so dear, to make it
last, to count no matter what

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Before the Fire, Dusk

The old man at dusk
comes around the bend puffing his cigar

and a bat shadows me 
as I walk towards the sun, its alchemy

golding pine needles on the ground,
igniting grape vines. 

Hills recline in the distance
smudged by a hand working in pastel,
soft and slow the line where mountains meet violet 

and clouds lay back smoking fiery pipes.
Village, I am wordless.

At a nearby campsite, a grill is about to be lit,
about to blister some sausage.  Blister until
twigs catch, vines chatter in the flames
like gossips with nothing on their minds.

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The Blue Door in our Dreams

There’s always a blue door in our dreams,
in our former lives.

A cerulean blue door, with wooden slats 
held by a small hook in the white plastered wall.  

It opens, closes and opens, screeching like a sick
owl, such are the vagaries of age. 

Once it was trammeled by stones and thieves 
and a massive soaring boulder. 

Mostly I remember Raoul Dufy’s fisherman 
in the same cerulean blue, his nets and biceps. 

And our three-year-old in the shimmering
light of the doorway, shouting at the gusting wind: 
“Va-t-on! Va-t-on! Go away!” 

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How to See the Sea

A small curve of a port – 
boats sit in great fields of mud, the water
rolled up like a carpet to join the sea, 
to bunch into glossy, spit-tipped waves. 

What did it mean – 
if we longed for the sea?

The absent ubiquitous sea,
everywhere and nothing.

Walking on a road called Pas de l’Assassin,
I might think the sea is the victim.

In the brutal emptiness, 
the stubbled fields could be rolled up
and sold to market –
I might be richer, but the land poorer.

The strange crucified lord
of the corn fields might answer someone’s 
need, but not mine.

I settled down by a tank of green waters,
drowned my sorrows by downing
a dozen oysters. 

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Half Empty, Half Full

Café life, the terrace seats and tiny spoons
and lovers’ faces in the sun. A trampy 
man demands to buy a bottle of water; 
the garçon says we don’t sell bottles; 
the bum grumbles into his half-shaven jaw:

Je veux une bouteille d’eau.  They are fighting 
as if during the Revolution – it’s Bastille Day –
over a bottle of poured or rented or drunk water. 
They are growling through their teeth 
as two people might seethe over how 
to say “hamburger.”  After the old man sits,

(deadringer for “Boudu” fished out of the Seine)
he tries to ferret away his dear bottle. The garçon 
runs to wrest the green Perrier from his grip. 
Half empty, half full, it’s all the same.
Under the shade of the chestnut trees along
a boulevard in Ménimontant. 

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USHA

All lines of the poem arrive, perfect in itself 
except that it needs to be written.  The gestalt 
in a swift and complete vision.  Start.  Where.  
So many words crowd the mouth. Also tongue-tied. 

Vision – the Puritan town made worldly.  Sun
shines on it. The clapboard café.  Iced tea 
chatter in Cantonese, Hindu, Persian, English.
Bespectacled kids climb the sofas. Benevolence. 

Call the counterpressure “Usha.” Winds blow like 
steam off the wand of a barista. Could be a binding 
woosh of the sea, oceanic, self-annihilating.
She could be USHA, a department crushed by Musk. 

Instead she is product of Ivy League, Second lady
Fourth hypocrite.  Product of immigrants.  Abuse 
of language is world violation.  How can she walk 
the street with a soul of total devastation?

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Celan’s Prophetic Darkness

My immersion into Paul Celan’s poems hasn’t been depressing; instead I’ve been following, with keen attention over the past weeks, a mind which has been where we are treading.  Celan spoke of poems as being prophetic, that they “cast their shadow ahead of themselves: one must live after them.  Life itself must pass through the poem.”  Yes indeed!  

I follow mindfully through his halting struggle to wrest language out of its abuse and false clarity.  And darkness, I can’t help but feel the power of “living, creative darkness,” a human darkness which also seethes in poems.  I’m thinking of Celan’s “From Darkness to Darkness.” Never would you find a deus ex machina, a miraculous light bursting into a scene in Celan.  Instead a subtle light appears, throws shade ahead of the poet, onto a beloved, onto an empty field.  There is trembling possibility – a breakthrough of recognition, across borders, time and self.  (I’m drawing on a brilliant introduction by Susan Gillespie, who translated Corona, Selected Poems.)  Through the obscurity, the poem carries forward, having been sparked with the light and coursing energy of human exchange.  

I felt it when reading together with a group of smart folks who were listening as if a trumpet was sounding.  And at the protest where a shared consciousness was erupting in the gray rain.  It is a kind of faith, hope against hope in a dim world.  A shared consciousness to observe the present and the unknowingness of the future.  Rock on, Celan.

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Grand Slam at the Brink

Oh, a mere mortal; the hours I spent
on my couch, watching, not watching, 
pacing, cleaning, anything to trim 
the tension of watching the tennis gods

two bedraggled bodies wracking them-
selves senseless smacking the small ball
to new and giddy places.  Mother,
if I had five ounces of that resilience…

Five hours in, sports writers are sick
with praise. Even the clay, even the living dust
is whipped up, spent but glowing,
having witnessed magnificence.

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